down for the count but holding on

I've been feeling a bit like a punching bag as of late, and I'm doing everything in my power not too slip back into my dysthymia. 2011 ended just like 2010 with yet another failed relationship. This time on Christmas no less. Yep, dumped on Christmas. I have an uncanny ability of attracting girls who both adore me, and are repelled by the idea of me being their boyfriend. It fucking sucks. I've given so much and I lose every time. I know everyone suffers the woes of relationship failure. Two of my closest friends had their relationships come crashing down this year. One of which ended in divorce after less than two years of marriage. He's suffered. My other friend has been bending over backwards to make a relationship work with an unresolvable situation. Life is shit. I know I say that a lot, and most people probably think I'm being over dramatic, but it really does suck. Sustaining happiness for more than a few months at a time seems to be impossible. I haven't experienced a full year of happiness since I was 27. That was 7 years ago! Do you see what I'm saying.

This year wasn't a complete failure. I graduated from college. Despite still being completely unemployable I am pretty fucking proud of that accomplishment. Even at 34, holding my diploma brought a giddiness to my wrinkled face. No male in my family has ever graduated from college. I also wrote two full length plays that I'm quite proud of. Playwriting really reinvigorated my creativeness. I'd forgotten how much fun it is to create something. I'm a terribly lazy writer, it almost always feels like a chore to commit to doing it, but once I start I love it. I love writing dialogue. It probably sounds terribly vain to say that I crack myself up when I write dialogue. It's true though. I write some seriously funny and ridiculous shit. I really do plan on trying to get at least one of them staged.

I also made a new friend. We refer to each other as the enabler. He's 10 years younger than me, but let it be known love knows no age. Er... I mean friendship. I mean friendship. I said friendship! We have had some seriously good times this year. So many so that his girlfriend is actually quite jealous of our playtime. I think she believes I bring out bad behavior in him, when in actuality he's quite capable of doing that without me. I know I wouldn't of made it through this year without him. Props Alan.

So here we are at the start of another year, according to some the last year on earth. At this point I guess I should assume that I'll have my heart broken a few more times. That I'll continue to be broke, and that my health will completely deteriorate. But then the earth will either be on fire or underwater so I guess it really doesn't matter. Actually, I know I'll still be here, suffering...  but I would prefer that 2012 is awesome. Please. Pretty please with sugar on top.