fuck that duck

Last night I gave up a chance to party with hot Swedish women in favor of seeing a triple movie lineup with vertically challenged monsters. It was a tough choice but they were screening cult classics - Gremlins, Howard the Duck and Trol 2 (which was making it's theatrical premiere 17 years later). I know what you're thinking, this in favor of Swedish women!? Yeah... it doesn't make a lot of sense, but doesn't it sounds awesome?! Am I right? Maybe? What could be more fun than seeing a talking duck, hottie Lea Thompson and the Dark Overlord Jeffrey Jones?! According to my friend Ric I dragged him kicking and screaming, he could of been sleeping or eating or showering instead. Whatever... he loved it. Actually we got ourselves pretty siked up the day before. I even told him I was more excited to see Howard the Duck than Gremlins. I don't know why, maybe I was hoping it was going to be one of those 'so bad it's good kind of films' like Showgirls. When I was young my dad would drop me off at the sitters house, she had a son and when we weren't roaming the neighborhood we were watching a lot of TV. They had Showtime and HBO and for two months straight we watched Gremlins and Howard the Duck. I've seen a lot of movies, thousands, but it's a little disconcerting to know that I've seen Howard the Duck at least four times the amount of my actual top ten. Gremlins I'm cool with, but Howard... I'm cringing. Actually Gremlins use to scare the shit of me. I'd get really freaked out when Stripe starts melting in the fountain. I don't know what I thought of Howard the Duck, but 21 years later I was convinced that it was worth giving up a night of hanging out Swedish women

I knew before the night started that I was definitely going to make it through the first two films but I wasn't sure about Trol 2. I actually can't even remember Trol, the original. The best part about Trol 2 is that there aren't actually any trols in it. Goblins yes, but not a single trol. Was this a gaffe by the filmmakers or someone at the studio tinkering with the movie title? Who knows but in the lobby of the theater they had goblin t-shirts, goblin cookies and original cast members. How fucking crazy is that. Crazy awesome!

Before Gremlins started the host Jesse Hawthome Ficks (hilarious) came out and did some Q & A trivia. He asked a question about Gremlins director Joe Dante, I answered and won! That's right, I won a two song single from the Gremlins Soundtrack on Vinyl. I just want to take this opportunity to share the amazing lyrics that go along with Michael Sembello's song Gremlins... Mega Madness. Ok, here we go - "To move it to the groove, you've got to booze it till you lose it and party, gonna tear this place down till I fall to the ground, the radioactivity has really got a hold on me, gonna dance all night till we fall down,* we are hear for mega madness (chorus) - super badness, i really really really really wanna let it go, i'm never never never gonna get off the floor, i want a nuclear reactor, a resistor with a twister with no ice, gonna put 'em down till I can't keep score, i want my rocket in the socket, i don't want it in my pocket to shoot off, gonna blast my way thru the door..."

Umm...

Yeah. Pretty priceless.

After that hilarious intro we settled in for Gremlins the experience. What can I say, it was 106 minutes of awesome! Ode to joy! A perfect trip down memory lane. I love 80's movies that relate to direct memories from my childhood. Gremlins was pure out of control mischief, and well before Redbull. I will say that as much as I love Gizmo... he's pretty weird, actually really weird and a tad creepy. I loved the sound effects and voice work. Ric and I laughed and laughed and shook our heads. Those gremlins are so damn entertaining, I loved the scenes of them getting drunk and watching Snow White. It was fun too because even though I've seen the film a lot, I couldn't remember any of the first hour. I liked it so much I wish they had followed it up with Gremlins 2: The New Batch, which I've been wanting to see since I saw it in the theatre back in 1990. The other great thing about Gremlins is Phoebe Cates. Oh, lovely sexy beautiful Phoebe Cates. So smoking hot. Why did she have to marry Kevin Kline and stop making movies? Her speech about why she hates Christmas really got the audience fired up.

So Gremlins ended and Howard the Duck began. I wish I had just left the theater with those good memories, thinking fondly of those nasty little troublesome gremlins. But I didn't, I stayed and watched the worst film ever made. Howard the Duck is not only the worst film of the 1980's but I'm going to go so far as saying it might be the worst Hollywood film ever. Now I'm not talking about straight to video films, I know there's some out there that are worse than Howard, but that thing, I call it a thing because film doesn't even make sense, is the worst film ever made with a substantial budget. It was torture. I laughed twice in pain. I think Ric and I exchanged about two dozen looks of horror, disbelief and anger. I think it was about an hour into the movie that I considered going to the bathroom and never returning. What the hell were they thinking!? It pains me to think I watched this movie a lot as a kid. What an eyesore.

I hated the film so much that as soon as the movie ended I got up and left. I just couldn't stay for Trol 2, I felt like my night was ruined and I didn't have that buzz to carry me into my sixth hour. Ric pleaded with me to stay, but the damage was done. Howard the Duck killed me. I went home, and watched Raising Arizona to extinguish the memories of that duck. Ric called me today and said I made a huge mistake. Trol 2 was apparently awesome, bad, but bad glorious. Ahhh... hell. Curse you Howard! Curse you to hell!