Transformers

Today I went and saw the biggest, loudest, most overblown movie effects extravaganza of the summer. Forget about all those unnecessary sequels, this is where your hard earned american dollars should go. It's my childhood toy collection come to life. I'm secretly crossing my fingers in hopes that both GI Joe and MASK get the greenlight later this year. If I had seen this version of Transformers when I was 10 years old, I probably would of had a premature ejaculation. It's complete sensory overload. It's got cars, jets, guns, bombs, robots, destruction, hot chicks, lame jokes and above all it's got Optimus Prime talking with his original voice. How fucking cool is that? I was literally hooting and hollering in the theatre. I was pumping my fists, clapping my hands and elbowing my accomplices. My toes were dancing their fucking ass off inside my shoes. That's right, my toes were doing the electric boogaloo. As soon as I heard the first "transforming sound effect" my 29 year old eyes glazed over and I was galloping and skipping through the acid trip tulip fields of my youth (LaLaLaLaLa...La). I was immediately transported back to my pre-cool days of playing on the carpet in imaginary destructOland. I can still remember the satisfaction of slamming a plastic toy into another plastic toy with the idea that I was waging the ultimate war between good and evil. I wasn't just crushing the bad guys, I was blasting them to smithereens. My melees consisted of lasers and canons and bullets and hand to hand combat and grenades and lighter fluid and fire. My toy army battled so long that the Civil War looked like a late afternoon tea party. My toys are still battling in a box in my mom's basement. Today I felt that same sense of glorious victory as the Autobots went mono-E-mono with those evil decepticons.

Now, let me remind you that Transformers is a Michael Bay movie, so in no way are you going to see art. Michael Bay's view of art consists of excessive use of slow motion, awful dialogue and usually at least one glorified cameo by a legitimate actor, in this case it's John Turturro who's pretty much wasted. Transformers is not artful but what the movie is, is simply out of fucking control. There is so much destruction and peril that you just have to roll with the fact that the plot is taking a back seat to the special effects. Serious filmgoers stay home and wait for the new Paul Thomas Anderson film (which is coming out this fall). Let me further remind you that Michael Bay is not an artist and that he is responsible for some of the most overblown and over budgeted hollywood trash-fluff pieces of the last decade. He makes movies that go BOOM. Not only is there a ridiculous need for explosions but there is also a need for excessive editing. Just as you are about to enjoy a glossy stylized camera angle he quickly cuts away to another slick sterile saturated shot and then he cuts again and again and again. MB is the master of the cut. I can't even imagine how many setups he shoots a day. The soundtrack is constantly blasting one current radio friendly cut after another and the product placement is always front and center. It's a Michael Bay movie from beginning to end but I think it might be his most playful film yet. In case you are unfamiliar with some of MB's other praised works they include: Bad Boys, Bad Boys 2, The Rock, Armageddon, The Island and Pearl Harbor (which I still refuse to see). I know, it's a prit-tee impressive resume. He's a big fat bloated cash cow. I hate to admit it because I loath the first one, but I actually have a soft spot for Bad Boys 2. It's all about the boom and Bad Boys 2 goes boom in a major way. When I first heard that MB was directing Transformers I pretty much cringed, groaned and then went into the fetal position. Two years later I shed my fur, crawled out of the bear cave and rejoined society hoping I had missed the film's release. It actually had nothing to do with MB's short comings as an artist but had more to do with Hollywood fucking with my childhood. Why make Transformers into a live-action movie? Why!? It made just about as much sense as a Thundercats movie, which I'm sure is in the works somewhere. Hollywood is constantly running out of new ideas and regurgitating the past. That's what's so great about sequels, they don't require a story, just some rehash filler plot and the original stars...ehem, Rush Hour 3? Hell, why not cash in on everything from our childhood. There's a pretty scary rumor going around about there being a Parker Brothers Monopoly movie. I read one blogger's suggestion that Scarlett Johansson should play Community Chest. Bada bing-bada boom! Now that's casting. These are sad times and yet they are glorious times.

For as much as I thought Transformers sounded like a bad movie idea, I was pretty happy when it was over. It reminded me of when Independence Day came out. It was like being shot out of a canon onto the battle field. I was suddenly in the mix, armed with one of those ridiculously high powered fully-automatic-never run out of bullets-assault rifles. I'm an american goddamn it! I'm a killer, a killer of renegade evil megalomaniac super advanced transforming robots. I don't know what I'm doing but I know I can save the day through sheer determination and a little bit of incoherence. Am I rambling? Loosing focus? Sorry.

Transformers was awesome. It's big and loud and silly and stupid and makes no sense and needs to be seen in the theatre. The special effects are spectacular. I really could not tell the difference between the real models and the CGI effects. Everything looks amazing. The scenes on the freeway where the cars and trucks transform while they are driving is incredible. The aerial battles with StarScream vs. the AirForce are very cool and evil Megatron is voiced by Mr. Smith himself Hugo Weaving. It's a lot of fun. Is Transformers the best movie of the summer? No. I actually thought Die Hard 4 was better. I'd pay to see Die Hard 4 again but Transformers was definitely worth the ten bucks. If ever there was a movie to see solely for the effects then this would be that movie. If you like to see things go boom, then go see this movie.