Transformers

Today I went and saw the biggest, loudest, most overblown movie effects extravaganza of the summer. Forget about all those unnecessary sequels, this is where your hard earned american dollars should go. It's my childhood toy collection come to life. I'm secretly crossing my fingers in hopes that both GI Joe and MASK get the greenlight later this year. If I had seen this version of Transformers when I was 10 years old, I probably would of had a premature ejaculation. It's complete sensory overload. It's got cars, jets, guns, bombs, robots, destruction, hot chicks, lame jokes and above all it's got Optimus Prime talking with his original voice. How fucking cool is that? I was literally hooting and hollering in the theatre. I was pumping my fists, clapping my hands and elbowing my accomplices. My toes were dancing their fucking ass off inside my shoes. That's right, my toes were doing the electric boogaloo. As soon as I heard the first "transforming sound effect" my 29 year old eyes glazed over and I was galloping and skipping through the acid trip tulip fields of my youth (LaLaLaLaLa...La). I was immediately transported back to my pre-cool days of playing on the carpet in imaginary destructOland. I can still remember the satisfaction of slamming a plastic toy into another plastic toy with the idea that I was waging the ultimate war between good and evil. I wasn't just crushing the bad guys, I was blasting them to smithereens. My melees consisted of lasers and canons and bullets and hand to hand combat and grenades and lighter fluid and fire. My toy army battled so long that the Civil War looked like a late afternoon tea party. My toys are still battling in a box in my mom's basement. Today I felt that same sense of glorious victory as the Autobots went mono-E-mono with those evil decepticons.

Now, let me remind you that Transformers is a Michael Bay movie, so in no way are you going to see art. Michael Bay's view of art consists of excessive use of slow motion, awful dialogue and usually at least one glorified cameo by a legitimate actor, in this case it's John Turturro who's pretty much wasted. Transformers is not artful but what the movie is, is simply out of fucking control. There is so much destruction and peril that you just have to roll with the fact that the plot is taking a back seat to the special effects. Serious filmgoers stay home and wait for the new Paul Thomas Anderson film (which is coming out this fall). Let me further remind you that Michael Bay is not an artist and that he is responsible for some of the most overblown and over budgeted hollywood trash-fluff pieces of the last decade. He makes movies that go BOOM. Not only is there a ridiculous need for explosions but there is also a need for excessive editing. Just as you are about to enjoy a glossy stylized camera angle he quickly cuts away to another slick sterile saturated shot and then he cuts again and again and again. MB is the master of the cut. I can't even imagine how many setups he shoots a day. The soundtrack is constantly blasting one current radio friendly cut after another and the product placement is always front and center. It's a Michael Bay movie from beginning to end but I think it might be his most playful film yet. In case you are unfamiliar with some of MB's other praised works they include: Bad Boys, Bad Boys 2, The Rock, Armageddon, The Island and Pearl Harbor (which I still refuse to see). I know, it's a prit-tee impressive resume. He's a big fat bloated cash cow. I hate to admit it because I loath the first one, but I actually have a soft spot for Bad Boys 2. It's all about the boom and Bad Boys 2 goes boom in a major way. When I first heard that MB was directing Transformers I pretty much cringed, groaned and then went into the fetal position. Two years later I shed my fur, crawled out of the bear cave and rejoined society hoping I had missed the film's release. It actually had nothing to do with MB's short comings as an artist but had more to do with Hollywood fucking with my childhood. Why make Transformers into a live-action movie? Why!? It made just about as much sense as a Thundercats movie, which I'm sure is in the works somewhere. Hollywood is constantly running out of new ideas and regurgitating the past. That's what's so great about sequels, they don't require a story, just some rehash filler plot and the original stars...ehem, Rush Hour 3? Hell, why not cash in on everything from our childhood. There's a pretty scary rumor going around about there being a Parker Brothers Monopoly movie. I read one blogger's suggestion that Scarlett Johansson should play Community Chest. Bada bing-bada boom! Now that's casting. These are sad times and yet they are glorious times.

For as much as I thought Transformers sounded like a bad movie idea, I was pretty happy when it was over. It reminded me of when Independence Day came out. It was like being shot out of a canon onto the battle field. I was suddenly in the mix, armed with one of those ridiculously high powered fully-automatic-never run out of bullets-assault rifles. I'm an american goddamn it! I'm a killer, a killer of renegade evil megalomaniac super advanced transforming robots. I don't know what I'm doing but I know I can save the day through sheer determination and a little bit of incoherence. Am I rambling? Loosing focus? Sorry.

Transformers was awesome. It's big and loud and silly and stupid and makes no sense and needs to be seen in the theatre. The special effects are spectacular. I really could not tell the difference between the real models and the CGI effects. Everything looks amazing. The scenes on the freeway where the cars and trucks transform while they are driving is incredible. The aerial battles with StarScream vs. the AirForce are very cool and evil Megatron is voiced by Mr. Smith himself Hugo Weaving. It's a lot of fun. Is Transformers the best movie of the summer? No. I actually thought Die Hard 4 was better. I'd pay to see Die Hard 4 again but Transformers was definitely worth the ten bucks. If ever there was a movie to see solely for the effects then this would be that movie. If you like to see things go boom, then go see this movie.

fuck that duck

Last night I gave up a chance to party with hot Swedish women in favor of seeing a triple movie lineup with vertically challenged monsters. It was a tough choice but they were screening cult classics - Gremlins, Howard the Duck and Trol 2 (which was making it's theatrical premiere 17 years later). I know what you're thinking, this in favor of Swedish women!? Yeah... it doesn't make a lot of sense, but doesn't it sounds awesome?! Am I right? Maybe? What could be more fun than seeing a talking duck, hottie Lea Thompson and the Dark Overlord Jeffrey Jones?! According to my friend Ric I dragged him kicking and screaming, he could of been sleeping or eating or showering instead. Whatever... he loved it. Actually we got ourselves pretty siked up the day before. I even told him I was more excited to see Howard the Duck than Gremlins. I don't know why, maybe I was hoping it was going to be one of those 'so bad it's good kind of films' like Showgirls. When I was young my dad would drop me off at the sitters house, she had a son and when we weren't roaming the neighborhood we were watching a lot of TV. They had Showtime and HBO and for two months straight we watched Gremlins and Howard the Duck. I've seen a lot of movies, thousands, but it's a little disconcerting to know that I've seen Howard the Duck at least four times the amount of my actual top ten. Gremlins I'm cool with, but Howard... I'm cringing. Actually Gremlins use to scare the shit of me. I'd get really freaked out when Stripe starts melting in the fountain. I don't know what I thought of Howard the Duck, but 21 years later I was convinced that it was worth giving up a night of hanging out Swedish women

I knew before the night started that I was definitely going to make it through the first two films but I wasn't sure about Trol 2. I actually can't even remember Trol, the original. The best part about Trol 2 is that there aren't actually any trols in it. Goblins yes, but not a single trol. Was this a gaffe by the filmmakers or someone at the studio tinkering with the movie title? Who knows but in the lobby of the theater they had goblin t-shirts, goblin cookies and original cast members. How fucking crazy is that. Crazy awesome!

Before Gremlins started the host Jesse Hawthome Ficks (hilarious) came out and did some Q & A trivia. He asked a question about Gremlins director Joe Dante, I answered and won! That's right, I won a two song single from the Gremlins Soundtrack on Vinyl. I just want to take this opportunity to share the amazing lyrics that go along with Michael Sembello's song Gremlins... Mega Madness. Ok, here we go - "To move it to the groove, you've got to booze it till you lose it and party, gonna tear this place down till I fall to the ground, the radioactivity has really got a hold on me, gonna dance all night till we fall down,* we are hear for mega madness (chorus) - super badness, i really really really really wanna let it go, i'm never never never gonna get off the floor, i want a nuclear reactor, a resistor with a twister with no ice, gonna put 'em down till I can't keep score, i want my rocket in the socket, i don't want it in my pocket to shoot off, gonna blast my way thru the door..."

Umm...

Yeah. Pretty priceless.

After that hilarious intro we settled in for Gremlins the experience. What can I say, it was 106 minutes of awesome! Ode to joy! A perfect trip down memory lane. I love 80's movies that relate to direct memories from my childhood. Gremlins was pure out of control mischief, and well before Redbull. I will say that as much as I love Gizmo... he's pretty weird, actually really weird and a tad creepy. I loved the sound effects and voice work. Ric and I laughed and laughed and shook our heads. Those gremlins are so damn entertaining, I loved the scenes of them getting drunk and watching Snow White. It was fun too because even though I've seen the film a lot, I couldn't remember any of the first hour. I liked it so much I wish they had followed it up with Gremlins 2: The New Batch, which I've been wanting to see since I saw it in the theatre back in 1990. The other great thing about Gremlins is Phoebe Cates. Oh, lovely sexy beautiful Phoebe Cates. So smoking hot. Why did she have to marry Kevin Kline and stop making movies? Her speech about why she hates Christmas really got the audience fired up.

So Gremlins ended and Howard the Duck began. I wish I had just left the theater with those good memories, thinking fondly of those nasty little troublesome gremlins. But I didn't, I stayed and watched the worst film ever made. Howard the Duck is not only the worst film of the 1980's but I'm going to go so far as saying it might be the worst Hollywood film ever. Now I'm not talking about straight to video films, I know there's some out there that are worse than Howard, but that thing, I call it a thing because film doesn't even make sense, is the worst film ever made with a substantial budget. It was torture. I laughed twice in pain. I think Ric and I exchanged about two dozen looks of horror, disbelief and anger. I think it was about an hour into the movie that I considered going to the bathroom and never returning. What the hell were they thinking!? It pains me to think I watched this movie a lot as a kid. What an eyesore.

I hated the film so much that as soon as the movie ended I got up and left. I just couldn't stay for Trol 2, I felt like my night was ruined and I didn't have that buzz to carry me into my sixth hour. Ric pleaded with me to stay, but the damage was done. Howard the Duck killed me. I went home, and watched Raising Arizona to extinguish the memories of that duck. Ric called me today and said I made a huge mistake. Trol 2 was apparently awesome, bad, but bad glorious. Ahhh... hell. Curse you Howard! Curse you to hell!